E-mail Grab-bag 5-14-2007

E-mail grab-bag

We all get those e-mails that tell jokes, have links to goofy, strange, or otherwise interesting links on YouTube, or other such items. Those e-mails are usually forwarded to us, and then we in turn forward them to someone else. Well, since I have a blog, I’ll just post them here in what I’ll call the E-mail Grab-Bag. Then you can decide if you want to forward them.

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FW: Subject: 2006 Study

A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.
Not Bad.

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Morse Code vs. Text Messaging: Which is faster? Find out in the link below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KSzR_H2DAOY

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Mother’s Day tribute:

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." 

 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. 
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 

 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. 

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 

 4. My mother taught me LOGIC. 

" Because I said so, that's why." 

 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. 

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." 

 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. 

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 

 7. My mother taught me IRONY. 

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about." 

 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. 

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper." 

 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. 

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" 

 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. 

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 

 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. 

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 

 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. 

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 

 13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. 

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." 

 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. 

"Stop acting like your father!" 

 15. My mother taught me about ENVY. 

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do." 

 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. 

"Just wait until we get home." 

 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. 

"You are going to get it when you get home!" 

 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. 

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way." 

 19. My mother taught me ESP. 

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 

 20. My mother taught me HUMOR. 

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 

 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. 

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 

 22. My mother taught me GENETICS. 

"You're just like your father." 

 23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. 

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" 

 24. My mother taught me WISDOM. 

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand." 

 25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. 

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you 

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25 Ways to tell you’re grown up

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6 am is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel even when you don’t have to.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of “hook up” and “break up”.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualifies as “dressed up”.
10. You’re the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3am would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good sh*t.”
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of your computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking, “Oh, sh*t, what the hell happened?”

Bonus:

26. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn’t apply to you and can’t find one to save your sorry old ass. Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends ‘cause you know they’ll enjoy it too. And now you know why I am forwarding this to you…