The Santa conspiracy

Fresh from the "doll on the Island of Misfit Toys" conspiracy comes a whole 'nother batch of questions, this time in regards to Santa's traditional midnight ride on Christmas Eve. Consider the following:

A "jolly old elf" named "Santa Claus" lives at the North Pole, where he and his workers – usually called "elves" – work all year to make "toys" for "good little girls and boys". This whole toy-making process takes a year to set up, and the delivery date is Christmas Eve. Somehow, Santa knows who's been bad and good, and even has a list that he checks at least twice. He also sees kids when they're sleeping and when they're awake. As if all this wasn't suspicious enough, consider the midnight ride itself. Somehow, a sleigh weighted with a large man and tons of toys is somehow pulled by ...

…eight "tiny" reindeer (nine if you include the mutant designated as "Rudolph").

For one, that's a lot of weight to pull for "tiny" creatures. And reindeer aren't that tiny. They're not elephant-sized, but they're not squirrel-sized, either. But most importantly, reindeer don't fly. They have no means of flying. They don't have wings, and they don't possess some sort of gravity cancelling ability nor are they telekinetic. So one must ask, how is this accomplished? More on this in just a bit.

On top of all this improbability is that Santa allegedly delivers all his toys in one night. Somehow, he knows whose house is whose, and what child gets what toy. The means of retaining all of this rather specific knowledge (that is, who is sleeping and awake, who is bad and good, what toy(s) does each child want, where do they live, etc.) would require a database the size of which would stagger anything that is currently known and made. AND it would have to be maintained CONSTANTLY in order to be kept up to date. Perhaps the “elves” do all that maintenance work when they’re not making “toys”. And last – somehow, this large man can make his way down a chimney.

So how does Santa make all those toys, and fly around the world in one night? How do reindeer fly with no obvious means of flight? How does Santa go down chimneys, and how can he have such specific knowledge of children whose numbers easily go into the millions? The usual answer is: “magic”.

Yes, “magic” somehow makes all this impossibility possible. But those of us of a conspiratorial nature can’t be simply shucked off so easily – especially with so sloppy an answer as “magic”. No, all of what I just described above begs questions, and those questions beg other questions. So my friends, I lay all that out to you, and ask your views on just what is going on here with “Santa”.

You can start with the choice of location for “Santa’s workshop”: The North Pole. If that isn’t a sign of keeping suspicious activities away from prying eyes, then I need to turn in my conspirator’s license.