I want one of these

I want one of these. Check this out:

Coming to your local airport soon? Shoe scanners

Possibly coming soon to your local airport are: Shoe scanners! No more taking off of your shoes; now this scanner will check your shoes for you. It seems to me, though, that it should also shine your shoes while it is scanning them. :-P

Should Speedy Gonzalez make a return?

Just for the sake of disclosure (and in case you didn't know it already), I am Hispanic. With that context in place, I want to say that I would like to see Speedy Gonzalez brought back, even if it's just for a movie.

I understand why some would be offended with some of the representations of Mexico and Mexican culture in the Warner Bros' animated shorts from the past. However, to censor them would be to ignore our past and how we used to think, and no one benefits if we try to change the past. For my part, I enjoyed watching Speedy Gonzalez - and yes, even "Slowpoke Rodriguez". Who from my generation doesn't remember that classic line in which Slowpoke appears, when one of the villains says, "Slowpoke Rodriguez, he packs a gon (gun)".

I agree wholeheartedly with this line from the above linked column: "All I know is that I enjoyed his stories as a kid and viewed Speedy as one of the cooler fictional mice around, better than Mighty Mouse, better even than the iconic Mickey. " Folks, I am here to tell you that Speedy was WAY, WAY cooler than the intensely bland Mickey!

So I say, bring back the mouse from Mexico. And his cousin Slowpoke, too. Just give him some Red Bull and maybe it will speed him up some. Just don't offend him, because he does pack a gon - er, gun - after all.

My high school yearbook picture

Check it out; my high school yearbook pic. I had hair back then, and a bad attitude. And poor taste in fashion too, it seems. Trust me though, I was hardly alone in that.

Promotions that epic failed

Imagine being the PR exec when something like this occurs:

10 Promotional Stunts that Horribly Backfired

Chucky's little sister?

Why this doll hasn't been made into a horror movie villain by now, I'll never know.

There's piranhas, and then there's....

The pics below came from an e-mail that was forwarded by a friend of mine. I didn't know piranhas got that big!





Funny thing is, I had jokingly told someone that that piranha is now what's for dinner. He asked if piranhas are edible by humans. I told him that I honestly had no idea. A quick Google search shows that it is. How do you catch piranha, though? Perhaps roll up your sleeve and stick your arm in the Amazon river until some of the piranhas bite, then take your arm out of the water? That's when someone would walk up and say, "You know, you could use this..." and show me a fishing rod. Yeah, I could go the wimpy route...

There's fighting for human rights, and then there's...

Wow. Check out this article. As one friend of mine would say, "This is nucking futs".

This is from Canada, by the way, where the only thing we get that is Canadian is cold fronts and bacon.

The economic downturn affects the plant kingdom

I knew things were not good for the economy, but dang - I got a sign yesterday on just how bad it is. Yesterday afternoon at work, a lot of the plants and other greenery were taken out and replaced with newer and fewer plants.

Know what that says? It says that not even plants are safe from these hard times. Damn, it's a bad sign when plants get fired. No one is safe anymore. /:-(

Lotto drama

Hey, folks. Trying to make my comeback here. Check out this story:

Woman accused of taking scratch-off ticket gives up claim to prize money

Sad that a friendship broke up over money, but I think that this didn't need to happen. The woman who had lent her friend the scratch-off ticket to her friend to check out should have just held on to it and done it later. Of course, this is all hindsight, but still - a little logic should tell you that money makes people do funny things, and it especially applies if it's a lot of money.

So what do you folks think of this story?

The BCS and history

From an e-mail I got earlier this week:

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The BCS is so proud of their computer rankings that they have gone back and rated historical events. In a stunning turn of events they have declared Germany the winner of World War II!

The BCS criterion for this amazing pick was:
* Germany’s strength of schedule in defeating Austria , Poland , Norway , Belgium , Yugoslavia and at-the-time number 2 France.
* Losses to Russia and the United States at the end of the WWII Bowl were not enough to erase style points from their early decisive and overwhelming victories.
* Germany also fought a tough number 1 ranked Great Britain team to a draw which helped boost their poll standings even more. Britain fell to number 5 after the battle

The Final Poll ranking at the end of WWII
1. Germany
2. Italy – their defeat of the mighty Olympic country of Greece was almost enough to push them to the top
3. Japan based on victories over Manchuria, the Philippines and an early victory over the US in the Hawaii Bowl at Pearl Harbor
4. France – based on strength of schedule from WWI and holding off Germany for 6 weeks
5. Great Britain – Inability to defeat Germany during the Blitz Bowl doomed their title chances
6. Russia – strong finish but lost style points at the beginning of the War. Loss of Poland ended their title run
7. United States – decisive victory at the end could not overcome late entry and stunning defeat in the Hawaii Bowl.

Oklahoma coach Bob Stoops was quoted as saying “this again shows the wisdom of the BCS system in awarding the victory to Germany . They certainly have a grasp of the value of running up the score on opponents – coach Hitler had the right idea and we just followed that example when we play and it has paid off for us”.

Possibly the most controversial topic that I've discussed on my blog!

Okay, folks - I've discussed a few controversial topics during my time blogging, so I feel that you all are ready to touch upon a particularly thorny topic.

See, it's bigger than the current financial crisis. It's bigger than pondering the possibility of whether we're going to elect a bona fide socialist into the Oval Office or a genuine redneck moose hunter as a vice president. It's more controversial than the gay marriage issue and whether the states should allow it. It's bigger than my Madonna-Induced Career Implosion Theory (MICIT, formerly the Madonna Implosion Theory, or MIT)! Heck, it's even bigger than whether college football should stick with the BSC system or go with a playoff system! What is that thory topic, you ask? It's this:

What sorts of songs should I have on my Halloween playlist for my MP3 player?

Monster Mash for sure, and Ghostbusters. Gotta also have Thriller, and Werewolves of London. However, I don't like Love Potion #9, even though it's often on most Halloween playlists. Anyway, those are some of the classics for Halloween. My question is, what other songs could go on such a list?

I have Nightmare on My Street by DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince on mine. Also, Midnight Rider by the Allman Brothers Band, Hotel California by The Eagles, and People are Strange by The Doors. From Santana there is Evil Ways and Black Magic Woman. The rest of my Halloween lineup shapes up this way:

* The Purple People Eater
* Lil' Red Riding Hood by Sam the Sham
* Somebody's Watching Me
* Theme from the Addams' Family
* Theme from the Twilight Zone
* Theme from Jaws

So with that, I ask you all: What else could go on this list?

Words of advice: Don't fart at cops

Words of advice: Don't fart at cops. You could be charged for battery!

Okay, who DIDN'T burst out in laughter after reading that?

Man catches big fish - with Barbie fishing rod

You've all heard the old story about the fisherman lamenting "the one that got away" - the fish that was "this long". Well, this guy landed a whopper of a fish - but perhaps he might have wished it got away, because he was holding his granddaughter's Barbie fishing rod while she went to the restroom. While she was away, he got a bite, and landed the monster pictured below. Since it's now news, he can't exactly denied that that's how he caught it. Kinda takes a little away from the macho tale that he could share with his buds. At least he's got a heckuva fish to share dinner with. ;-)

Singles ads

In case you're wondering, that's not an active link. It's just an image that I pulled from the side of my Yahoo! mailbox. You see ads like the one above all the time. Maybe a small part of you even wanted to click on the image, but didn't because you knew you'd be bombarded with pop-ups and spam so bad that your anti-virus program would quit on you for being so stupid.

I don't know how it is for the "big name" dating sites like e-harmony, but I'm sure even they are likely to bombard you with spam. That's why I call such ads "spam-bait". You look at that image, and it gives you a teaser like "Peek at private photos". What does that mean, exactly? Is it going to show her in her underwear going through her underwear drawer? Is it going to show her in the shower? That's probably what you're supposed to think. Otherwise, who other than some desperate schmo would click on such spam-bait unless they thought they'd be getting such a "return" on their risk?

And even if that woman was available, you think she'd be interested in regular joes like us? I mean - DAMN! - look at her! That shapely physique- that hair that you just want to run your fingers through- those "come hither" eyes... it's enough to melt any average American dude! But someone who looks like her would want some super stud. Are you a super stud? Although I'd like to think that I am, I know that I'm not. And yet, that company posts her picture there so that us poor dumb slobs can fantasize - hoping against hope that a hot chick like her might actually want us, even though we know that we have a better chance of winning the lottery.

Logic would also tell you that she might not even be real. Not that the woman herself doesn't exist, but rather, the way she looks. The odds are that she has been Photoshopped extensively to have no faults and to maximize her hotness. Yes, those of us who have thought this through will see past this well-executed advertising ploy. And yet, enough poor desperate dudes are out there that they fall for it - and the company stays in business while spamming the poor guy's mailbox like crazy.

But now you're forewarned, and as that saying goes, forewarned is forearmed. Your best bet is not to deal with such fantasy women, but instead try to work with the real women around you. They may not look like the women in the ads, but then the women in the ads don't look like that, either. It's called life, folks. It may not be as pretty as it's portrayed in the ads, but at least it's real. Go out and get a dose of reality, folks. It's out there waitin' for you.

(when the heck did I become a guru on life?)

Cheech and Chong reunited; world safe for democracy

Okay, we can all breathe a sigh of relief, man. Cheech and Chong have reunited. Far out, man!

WNBA "Girls Gone Wild"

There has been much ink (metaphorically speaking) made in the sports world this past week of the brawl in the WNBA. Some were shocked and saddened by this violent turn of events. Not me, though - ya ask me, the brawl was probably the best thing to happen to the WNBA probably since its inception. Before the brawl, how many of you even knew that the WNBA's season had been going on? Yeah, me too. But you know now that the WNBA's season is going on, right? See? There ya go.

Now, if they can keep a once-a-week brawling pace, they might be able to make their own version of a "Girls Gone Wild" video after the end of the season... ;-)

Just kidding!





Sorta....

25 albums that are now 30 years old

Here's something to make you feel old for those of you who remember these! 25 albums that are 30 years old. For those of you born after that, those were the days before iPods!

The big guy can boogie!

The big guy can boogie! Check it out!

New politically correct terms

From an e-mail that I received yesterday:

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Subj: New Politically Correct terms

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, it should be noted that Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.' You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And Furthermore...

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN.'

She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'

She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'

She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

He does not act like a 'TOTAL BUTT' - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants -It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE.'