Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Steven Wright one-liners

From an e-mail:

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the
famously erudite scientist and comic who once said:

"I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and
replaced by exact duplicates."

His mind sees things differently than most of us, to our
amazement and amusement.

Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel
so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse
gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend.....but she left me
before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to
be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever......so far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I
made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that
you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of

27 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the
softness of the bread.

28 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal
from many is research.

29 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no

30 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to
catch up.

31 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is
required to be on it.

32 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have

33 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would
your headlights work?

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