Saturday, June 16, 2007

Pity Poor Pluto...

Bad enough that last year the planet Pluto got demoted to a new category of "dwarf planet", it turns out that it's not even the biggest one of those. Why are astronomers putting the native Plutonians through this? What have they done to deserve not one demotion, but two? I tell ya, if I were a Plutonian, I'd sue whoever decides this stuff. I mean, all these years, Pluto was out there as our official furthest planet, and then BAM! Suddenly, out of the blue, it's now a "dwarf planet".

Who could suffer such a demotion and not be affected? How would you like it if you went around minding your business as - for example, an accountant - and then suddenly you get the word that you're now a "dwarf accountant"? Nothing about you has changed; you're certainly not any smaller - you're actually bigger, truth be told. But just because some bozo in some ivory tower has nothing better to do, you're suddenly classified as a "dwarf accountant". What would your clients think of you if you had to change all your business stationary to say:

Michael David Pencilpusher: Dwarf CPA

They'll read your card, they'll look at you, and then can't figure out what's "dwarf" about you. When you try to explain that some yahoo in a secluded European villa suddenly decided that that's your new category, you'll no doubt get some strange looks. And you'll also lose clients as a result. Sure you may gain some clients out of pity, but who wants to be known as a "pity accountant"? Then - AND THEN - throw on top of that that you now discover that you're not even the biggest dwarf accountant. I tell ya, how much can an ego take?

Thus, then, you have an idea of the plight of poor Pluto. You know who I think started all this? My guess is that it was the natives of Neptune. The Neptunians have always been jealous of Pluto's role as the most distant planet. Here Neptune is many times larger than Pluto and has pull (gravity-wise) in the solar system that's passed by only Jupiter and Saturn, and yet people pass over it because it's the second furthest planet. So they wheeled and dealed to get some goods on Pluto that would cause it to be demoted. And there you have it. The Neptunians will deny it, of course, but this has their grubby little fingerprints all over it.

Pluto should do what the rest of us on Earth do and get a lawyer.

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