When I had heard the term, "paleoconservative" and "paleoliberal", it made me think of cavemen for some reason. Then I thought that it would be funny if cavemen really did have left and right leanings in those days. So thus, I came up with Moog and Oog. Read on, and let me know what you think. Maybe I'll make more such stories of these two.
Moog and Oog: the ultimate paleo-politicos.
Moog: the ultimate paleoliberal.
Oog: the ultimate paleoconservative.
Moog and Oog are a couple of cavemen at the local rock pile, digging for good throwing rocks. During their search, Moog and Oog talk about the rumors that a local tribe is experimenting with something called “spears” and how it will affect the power balance among the neighboring tribes. Oog asks “What you think about rumors of new weapons Bear tribe said to have?” Moog answers:
Moog: Me not like it. Me not even like using regular weapons, because me feel that we should all just try to get along.
Oog: Ha, me knew you going to say that. You always want to get along.
Moog: What wrong with that?
Oog: You live in dream world. Real world not like that.
Moog: Maybe real world not like that RIGHT NOW, but could be.
Oog: No. Bear tribe and our Wolf tribe always fight. It go way back. My father Og fight Bear tribe, and his father O fight bear tribe. My son Ooog will fight Bear tribe too. It tradition.
Moog: Maybe Bear tribe always fight Wolf tribe because Wolf tribe always fight Bear tribe.
Oog: Bear tribe started it. Legend say Bear tribe leader Ditka hit Wolf tribe leader Muk during inter-tribal council way back when.
Moog: Me know this legend. Legend also say that Muk called Ditka bad name. That why Ditka hit Muk.
Oog: So? Ditka no need hit Muk. Bad name just name, not fist.
Moog: To call someone bad name called ‘provocation’.
Oog: There you go again, use big words. Me think you just make those up.
Moog: Provocation real word! It in dictionary!
Oog: What is ‘dictionary’?
Moog: It book of words
Oog: What is ‘book’?
Moog: Never mind. But it word. Trust me. Me not lie to you.
Oog: Me know you not lie to me, because you part of Wolf tribe. Bear tribe always lie, not Wolf tribe.
Moog: What if Bear tribe say that Wolf tribe always lie?
Oog: Didn’t me just explain? That lie! Bear tribe always lie.
Moog: But me mean that Bear tribe could be saying same things we say about them. How we know who right and who wrong?
Oog: Let me draw you picture. Look here: This Bear tribe. They always wrong. Now look here: This Wolf tribe. They always right.
Oog: No “but”! That way it is!
Oog: Don’t make me throw this rock at you!
Moog: Okay, me just get back to original topic. Me think we should talk to Bear tribe before they make spear.
Oog: Yeah! Good idea! That way, we bust up plans before they make them! Maybe take spears too!
Moog: No! Me mean that we talk peace with Bear tribe!
Oog: ‘Peace’! Hah! Bear tribe not know meaning of word ‘peace’!
Moog: You know what word mean?
Oog: No, but me know that they not know it, either! They dumb!
Moog: Peace mean we leave each other alone. No more fighting, just getting along.
Oog: Bear tribe never stop fighting. They make spear to make more fighting, not less.
Moog: Good point, but maybe if we make peace talks, we stop something before something starts.
Oog: No need for talking. We just make better weapon than spear. We get Weapons and Designs R&D Committee on it before Bear tribe can make trouble with spear.
Moog: Ah, now we getting to point me trying to make. What has Committee made so far?
Oog: Committee come up with cutting edge technology: rock for throwing, and club for hitting, but Committee need to stay ahead of curve. That why we need counter to spear, but we need to know what spear is and how it work.
Moog: We get closer still to point. So what happens when Committee make counter to spear? What Bear tribe do next?
Oog: Me not know. Maybe they make better weapon than our weapon.
Moog: So what happen when they make better weapon than our weapon?
Oog: Then we make even better weapon.
Moog: Then they make even better still weapon. So when it stop?
Oog: It stop when they stop.
Moog: Maybe it stop if we stop first.
Oog: Then Bear tribe will end up with better weapon! That not good idea!
Moog: But if we stop before they stop, then they lose interest in making better weapons. Then arms race need not escalate.
Oog: What arms have to do with this? I thought we talk about weapons.
Moog: ‘Arms’ is other name for weapons.
Oog: Why not just say ‘weapons’?
Moog: Because saying ‘arms’ sound smarter.
Oog: Saying ‘arms’ when you mean ‘weapons’ sound dumb, not smart!
Moog: (Sigh). Okay, then weapons race need not escalate if we give Bear tribe no excuse to escalate.
Oog: But Bear tribe may escalate anyway.
Oog: In fact, Bear tribe may escalate BECAUSE we not improve weapons technology.
Moog: Why would Bear tribe want to escalate if we give them no reason to escalate?
Oog: So that they stay ahead of us in weapons race. Then they always hold it over us during inter-tribal talks.
Moog: That make no sense. Then Bear tribe causing trouble they not need cause.
Oog: It make perfect sense. Bear tribe may be liars, Bear tribe may be always wrong, Bear tribe may even be dumb, but Bear tribe not stupid.
Moog: Hmm. You do have point. And they at least smart enough to make spear, so if they get edge, then they try to keep edge.
Oog: Me think peace was possible so long as no one made weapons in first place.
Moog: Ah, me see what you saying. Once one of us made throwing rock and throw at other guy, then weapons race begin.
Oog: Yes, then other guy make throwing rock, and then each tries to make better weapon than other.
Moog: So if it start, then it can stop. That point me been trying to make all along.
Oog: Too late. Genie out of bottle. There no going back now.
Moog: But surely there other way than simply accept grim specter of death to wind its way in valley?
Oog: Who this specter guy? Is he part of Bear tribe?
Moog: Him only metaphor for point me making.
Oog: Oh, so specter part of metaphor tribe.
Moog: Uh…….something like that, yeah.
Oog: So...you find any good rocks yet?
Moog: No, me not find any good rocks; me only find rocks good for throwing so we can continue senseless acts of death and destruction.
Oog: You can be real downer, you know that?
Moog: Sorry. Me try better to put happy face to pain and suffering.
Oog: See? Now you get in spirit of things!